My PhD study struggle
Andy sat at his desk, staring at the research notes he had poured years into. The words on the pages blurred as frustration settled deep within him. The dream of completing his PhD had once filled him with purpose, but now, all he felt was exhaustion and disappointment. Twice, in the span of three years, his supervisors had left the university. Twice, he had been left stranded, forced to start over with someone new.
Recognizing the Struggle
Pursuing a PhD was never meant to be easy, but this was something else. It wasn’t just about the difficulty of research or the long nights spent reading and writing—it was the feeling of being abandoned yet again. Each time he adjusted to a new supervisor, built trust, and made progress, another disruption came. It felt personal, even though he knew it wasn’t.
He began to wonder: Was this a sign that he wasn’t meant to finish? Was he just wasting his time?
Understanding Why the Struggle Felt Overwhelming
Four Possible Reasons Why This Thought Exists:
1. Loss of Guidance (35%) – A supervisor was more than just an academic mentor; they were the key to navigating the PhD journey. Losing two in such a short time made it difficult to stay on track.
2. Repeated Setbacks (25%) – Every time he adapted to a new supervisor’s style and expectations, he had to adjust his research focus, delaying his progress.
3. Emotional Burnout (20%) – The uncertainty and constant starting over drained his motivation, making him question if finishing was even worth it.
4. Self-Doubt and Isolation (20%) – Seeing peers move forward while he remained stuck made him feel like a failure, reinforcing the belief that he wasn’t good enough.
Five Remedies to Overcome the Setback
1. Reframing the Experience – Instead of seeing the situation as a failure, he reminded himself that external disruptions were not a reflection of his capability.
2. Seeking Alternative Support – He reached out to other faculty members, researchers, and academic communities to gain guidance beyond just his supervisor.
3. Focusing on What Was Within His Control – While he couldn’t prevent his supervisors from leaving, he could refine his research direction, strengthen his arguments, and stay committed to his work.
4. Allowing Himself to Process the Disappointment – Suppressing frustration wouldn’t help. He acknowledged his feelings, but he refused to let them define his future.
5. Revisiting His Initial Purpose – Why had he started this journey in the first place? Remembering his love for knowledge and the impact he wanted to make reignited his determination.
Finding a New Perspective
Andy took a deep breath, letting go of the resentment he had held onto for so long. The struggles were real, but they did not mean he was incapable or unworthy. He had the choice to continue, to reshape his path, or even to walk away—not as a failure, but as someone who understood that sometimes, a different road led to a greater destination.
He realized that whether or not he finished his PhD, his worth was never tied to a title. He was more than the struggles he faced. He was the knowledge he gained, the wisdom he carried, and the resilience that kept him standing.
When responsibility fades, who am I?
Andy sat in the quiet of his home, a book resting open in his hands, though he hadn’t turned a page in minutes. The house, once filled with the sounds of footsteps, voices, and daily routines, now echoed with silence. His children had grown up and moved out, each pursuing their own lives. For years, his days had revolved around them—providing, guiding, ensuring their well-being. And now, with no one to care for, a strange emptiness settled in.
Recognizing the Shift in Identity
Being a single parent for 26 years had given Andy purpose. The responsibility had been heavy, but it had also been a constant—a reason to wake up every morning, to keep pushing forward. Now, with that responsibility gone, he found himself asking:
"What do I do now?"
"Who am I, outside of being a father?"
The freedom to do as he pleased was there, yet it felt unsettling. He had spent so long focusing on others that he had forgotten how to focus on himself.
Understanding Why the Feeling of Emptiness Persists
1. Loss of Routine (30%) – The daily structure built around his children had vanished, leaving a void in his schedule.
2. Shifting Sense of Purpose (25%) – His role as a provider had defined him for so long that without it, he struggled to see his value.
3. Emotional Adjustment (25%) – Even though he had prepared for this stage of life, the reality of it felt different—lonelier than expected.
4. Fear of Irrelevance (20%) – A lingering worry crept in: Was he still needed? Did he still matter?
Five Remedies to Rediscover Meaning
1. Reconnecting with Personal Passions – He turned back to the things he had once loved—reading, writing, and learning. These were not just hobbies; they were parts of himself that had been neglected.
2. Finding a New Form of Responsibility – Responsibility didn’t have to end—it could evolve. He welcomed new companions into his life: three cats, each with their own quirks and needs. Caring for them gave him a renewed sense of presence.
3. Engaging in Meaningful Conversations – He reached out to old friends and like-minded individuals, rekindling connections and discussing ideas beyond parenting.
4. Allowing Himself to Embrace the Change – Instead of resisting the quiet, he leaned into it, seeing it not as an absence but as an opportunity—to reflect, to grow, to simply be.
5. Accepting That Life Moves Forward – His children hadn’t abandoned him; they were just on their own journeys, as he had once been. His role had changed, but his importance in their lives had not.
Embracing the Next Chapter
Andy looked around the house, once filled with the responsibilities of fatherhood, now transformed into a space for something new. He wasn’t just a father—he was a man with a mind full of stories, a heart still capable of love, and a future that was his to shape.
For the first time in years, he felt something unexpected—peace.
Rediscovering life beyond responsibility
Days turned into weeks, and the silence of the house no longer felt unfamiliar. Andy had spent the past few months adjusting to life on his own—finding small joys in books, conversations, and caring for his three cats. Yet, something still lingered beneath the surface. A deeper question, a subtle unease.
"Now that I have time for myself, what do I do with it?"
Recognizing the Emotional Void
It wasn’t just about missing his children or the sense of purpose parenting had given him. It was the realization that for years, he had structured his identity around responsibility. Without it, he felt lost. He had the freedom to do anything, yet he struggled to decide what that should be.
- Was it too late to start something new?
- Did he still have the energy to pursue unfulfilled dreams?
- Was there still a place for him in the world beyond his past roles?
Understanding the Challenge of Transition
1. Fear of Starting Over (30%) – The idea of beginning something new at this stage of life felt overwhelming, almost unnecessary.
2. Struggles with Self-Worth (25%) – Without his role as a provider, he questioned his value in society.
3. Uncertainty About the Future (25%) – Without clear goals, the future felt open-ended in a way that was unsettling rather than exciting.
4. Loneliness vs. Solitude (20%) – He had always been independent, but now he wondered if he had mistaken isolation for peace.
Five Ways to Move Forward with Purpose
1. Embracing Small Beginnings – Instead of searching for a grand purpose, he focused on what intrigued him. A book, a conversation, a new routine—each small step mattered.
2. Defining Meaning on His Own Terms – He no longer needed external validation. He started writing again—not for recognition, but because it made him feel alive.
3. Exploring New Connections – He joined discussions, engaged with like-minded individuals, and slowly rebuilt a sense of belonging beyond his immediate family.
4. Allowing Himself to Enjoy Life Without Guilt – He had spent years prioritizing others. Now, he reminded himself that it was okay to focus on his own happiness.
5. Accepting That Purpose Evolves – Just because one chapter of life had ended didn’t mean the story was over. He could redefine his role in ways he never considered before.
A New Perspective on the Future
Andy glanced out the window, watching the evening settle in. The feeling of emptiness had not completely disappeared, but it had transformed. It was no longer a void—it was space. Space to grow, space to explore, space to simply be.
For the first time, he didn’t feel like he had lost something. He felt like he had gained something else: the freedom to rediscover himself.
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