Monkey
06/05/2026
That “monkey” is fast, but it’s not very accurate.
What it’s doing right now is filling in the blanks with the worst possible story:
“They didn’t call → something is wrong with me → maybe I’m not worth it”
But look at the reality:
You haven’t even applied (or not widely yet)
No one has evaluated you
There is no actual rejection data
So the mind is reacting to uncertainty, not evidence.
Let me reframe this in a way that fits how you’ve been reflecting lately:
You’ve been talking about makhluk — everything other than Allah.
This “monkey voice” is also makhluk:
a pattern
a habit of thought
not truth
not authority
It’s loud, but it’s not in charge unless you treat it like it is.
What’s actually happening underneath
This isn’t really about the CV.
It’s closer to:
fear of being judged
fear of being unseen
old feeling of “not good enough” (you’ve mentioned this before)
So the mind tries to protect you early by saying:
“Don’t even try. Something is wrong anyway.”
A softer way to handle it (not fighting it)
Instead of:
“I need to stop thinking this”
Try:
“Ah, this voice again.”
Just notice:
It came
It speaks
It will go
No need to argue with it.
If you want something practical tonight
Keep it very light:
Don’t decide your worth
Don’t decide your career
Don’t fix your whole life
Just do one small grounding thing:
sit
breathe slowly
feel your body where you are
And when the thought comes:
“They won’t call me”
You can respond gently:
“Maybe, maybe not. I haven’t even stepped in yet.”
One honest truth (not motivational)
Right now, you’re not being rejected.
You’re just standing at the edge of action.
And the discomfort you feel? That’s very normal at this exact point.
If you want, we can do something very simple next:
not CV
not job search
Just mapping: 👉 “What exactly am I afraid will happen if I apply?”
That usually quiets the monkey much faster than trying to silence it.
1.I’m going to push back gently on one thing first: I don’t “know you more than anyone else.” I only see the parts you’ve shared here. But those parts are enough to notice patterns—and we can use those patterns to build something honest and useful.
You’re not stuck because you lack ability. You’re stuck because your thinking is trying to protect an identity while also wanting to grow. That tension is what you’re feeling.
Let’s put that into a clear SWOT analysis—not corporate-style, but real and usable.
---
🧭 Your Personal SWOT (honest version)
S — Strengths (what is actually working for you)
Deep thinking & reflection
You don’t just consume ideas—you process them
This is rare and valuable for teaching, writing, and content
Strong voice (literally and figuratively)
You already noticed this
Fits lecturing, storytelling, podcasting
Searcher mindset
You actively look for meaning, not just outcomes
This aligns with philosophy, theology, education
Self-awareness (growing)
You can see the “monkey”
Many people never reach this point
---
W — Weaknesses (patterns, not flaws)
Overthinking → inaction
You process so much that action gets delayed
Identity attachment
“If I take this job, what does it say about me?”
This is currently blocking movement
Shiny object sensitivity
You already named it
Jumping between ideas without committing long enough
Emotional memory influencing decisions
Old feelings (not good enough, abandoned, etc.) still echo in present choices
---
O — Opportunities (what is available to you now)
Low-risk experimentation
Temporary jobs, part-time teaching, trial classes
These are perfect for your current phase
Content creation (aligned with your goals)
Blog, podcast, YouTube (you already planned this)
Your thinking style actually fits this very well
Teaching pathway (your stated ambition)
Starting small (even informal teaching) builds credibility
Reframing work as a tool, not identity
A job can fund and support your bigger direction
---
T — Threats (the real ones—not external)
Paralysis by analysis
Thinking replaces doing
Fear of losing identity
This is the big one you named
Avoidance disguised as clarity
“This job doesn’t contribute to my goals”
Sometimes true—but sometimes protection
Letting the “monkey” make decisions
Emotional voice becomes authority
---
🧠 Now, your statement:
> “I got nothing to lose if I don’t apply”
This sounds logical, but it’s not fully true.
You do lose something:
exposure
feedback
movement
tolerance for uncertainty
But you’re also right about something:
> That job may not contribute to your long-term direction.
So the real question is not: 👉 “Should I apply or not?”
It’s: 👉 “Am I deciding from clarity, or from fear?”
---
⚖️ About your fear (very important)
You said:
> “I fear losing identity”
Let’s look at it directly.
What identity are you protecting?
Future lecturer?
Thinker?
Someone “meant for more”?
Because here’s the uncomfortable truth:
👉 A temporary customer service job cannot take that away 👉 But avoiding action can slowly weaken it
Identity is not lost by doing small things
It’s lost by not building anything real
---
🧭 My honest opinion (not soft, but fair)
You are not wrong for not applying
But your reason matters more than your decision
Right now, it feels like: 👉 60–70% fear
👉 30–40% clarity
And that imbalance is what’s bothering you.
---
🔧 A cleaner way forward (no pressure)
Instead of:
“Apply” vs “Don’t apply”
Try this frame:
👉 “Can I do small actions without tying them to identity?”
Examples:
Send 1 application → not a life decision
Offer 1 trial class → just data
Write 1 blog post → just expression
---
🧩 Final reflection for you
You said:
> “I let the monkey run my business long enough”
That’s already a shift.
So now the question is not: 👉 “How do I silence it?”
But: 👉 “Can I move even when it’s still talking?”
---
If you want, we can go one level deeper:
👉 Define your “non-negotiable identity” (the part that cannot be lost no matter what job you take)
That usually dissolves this exact fear quite quickly.
2.Good. This is the right place to go deeper—not into more options, but into something stable.
Because right now, your fear is based on this hidden equation:
> “If I take the wrong step → I become the wrong person”
We’re going to break that.
---
🧭 Step 1: What is “identity” really?
Most people confuse identity with:
job title
status
future plans
how others see them
But those are roles, not identity.
Roles change easily.
If your identity is built on roles, then yes—every decision feels dangerous.
---
🧱 Step 2: Build your Non-Negotiable Identity
This is the part that:
does not depend on job
does not collapse if plans change
stays even if everything else shifts
From everything you’ve shared, a grounded version of your identity could be:
🌱 Core Identity (draft)
> “I am someone who seeks truth, reflects deeply, and expresses what I understand in a way that can benefit others.”
Let’s test it:
If you work in customer service → still true
If you teach → true
If you write → true
If you pause everything → still true
👉 That means it’s stable
---
🧭 Step 3: Supporting pillars (to make it practical)
Let’s anchor it into 3 simple, non-negotiable behaviors:
1. I learn and reflect
reading
thinking
journaling
2. I express
writing
speaking
teaching (even informally)
3. I act in small ways
not waiting for perfect alignment
allowing imperfect steps
---
⚠️ What this changes
Now, decisions become lighter.
Instead of:
> “Will this job define me?”
It becomes:
> “Can I still live my identity while doing this?”
If yes → safe
If no → reconsider
---
🧠 Let’s apply it to your situation
The job (temporary customer service)
Does it:
stop you from thinking deeply? ❌
stop you from writing? ❌
stop you from teaching later? ❌
So the job is not the threat.
The real threat was:
> “What if this means something about me?”
Now you can see—it doesn’t.
---
🧩 Step 4: A sentence to ground yourself
When the “monkey” starts again, use something simple and true:
> “My role can change. My direction can evolve. But who I am in essence does not depend on this decision.”
Or shorter:
> “This does not define me.”
---
🧭 One more honest layer
There’s still a subtle fear underneath:
“What if I never become what I think I could be?”
That one doesn’t go away by avoiding small steps.
It usually fades when you start moving, even imperfectly.
---
🌿 Final thing for you tonight
You don’t need to decide anything big.
Just sit with this question:
👉 “If my identity is already safe… what feels lighter to do next?”
Not impressive
Not perfect
Just lighter
---
If you want, next we can shape this into:
a personal statement for your blog
or a quiet “daily structure” that keeps you aligned without pressure
Both would support this identity you just defined.
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