Day 1 wiring - answer
🧭 1. When you picture your family dynamic…
Who feels the most “fragile” or easily hurt?
I will get hurt the most as I keep every word spoken and interpret it in my own assumption. Originally I take everything at face value until some time then I realised I cannot take everything as is seen. It has layer and masking and pretending from whoever acting in front of me. They are scared that I will rage against them if I found out anything beyond the surface.
Who do you instinctively protect—even when they are not right?
I protect the wreck at home. I hide it from leaking it. I should seek help. But it is not in the culture or norm.
Who do you feel you must not disappoint, no matter what?
I don't know this answer.
🧭 2. When you imagine choosing yourself instead…
Whose face or reaction appears first in your mind?
My younger brother. He always acts above me.
What do you imagine they would say about you?
Does it feel like you are being “selfish,” “ungrateful,” or something else?
All of the above plus, mocking intelligent brain that cannot generate any financial help to them. The always wanted money and fame and ditching the sources.
If you stop being loyal… what is the worst thing that could happen?
I already being disown because of the poverty. They throw a party and will not invite me. The block my number on my mother phone fear that I will be accessing to my mother.
Is it rejection? Being misunderstood? Losing your place in the family?
Yes it is rejection, not misunderstood, they don't know how a writer and philosophical people move, they say that I am insane. Yes definitely no place in that society. When I was working for the bank and earn good income, they will say the same thing too. I will be never be enough thing to satisfy their envy. Money and time cannot justify.
Does it feel like you would become “a bad daughter/sister”?
Yes bad ass because cannot fulfill and make them proud in term of monetary. I choose this path because I dont want them to keep tearing my robe if I am rich. Like what Rumi said in one of his poem. I could stand people dependent on me.
I discover something similar to what Rumi said about the robe as story as above.
🧭 4. Look at the past quietly
When did you first learn that keeping peace = being loved?
I discovered myself aloneness will bring peace when my daughter move out because she is getting married. I am alone, grieving for her for at least 6 months. I used to have 3 meals together in a day as a family and she is just gone. I cannot comprehend that I just can see her less than that. She is gone about 4 years already.
Was there a moment where you chose silence instead of truth?
Yes, and before that too. Just that it become intense during that period. That I said to myself everybody that I need is gone and no longer valid for me. That is where I enrolled in Tariqah naqsyabadiah. It is not an escape. It is what I am looking for. The whole time. I need a rope to swim to the side fast. I need somewhere I belong. Somewhere here and thereafter and the whole gang and leader/teacher.
What happened when you didn’t stay loyal before?
Ooh, they quarrel with me in front of the whole my mother gang, and my mother said why I did not just bow to my 2 siblings that have money, they can help me financially. And she said I am stubborn and arrogant. Of she is not siding me. I left the house crying, humiliated, all my thing outside the house lying on the street that I have ti pick it up piece by piece. The main reason they do this they said they are ashamed of me feeding stray cat and not having a stable job. It happen maybe 5 years back.
👉 This is where the pattern was formed.
I don't know but it building up along the way from the time I came to be near my. Mother back at 30 years ago. I came from a quite well to do place that they cannot comprehend how I behave so different. My biggest regret is when i invited them toy MBA graduation. I did not see it coming until I just found out it was an envy. Yeah 30 back I came to my mother with a big bike and having a good job. I think she cannot accept that situation and wanted me to become one of them.
This is not an accusarion to anybody. I arrive at this conclusions quite recent... Before this I don't see it.
5. Now the uncomfortable one
Is your loyalty coming from love…
or from fear of consequences?
My loyalty is coming from not being the same with them. I fear if I am above them, they will pull me to the worst situation I never imagine before. The consequences I they will suck my blood and my everything unintentionally. Perhaps they don't know what they doing.
If there were no punishment, no rejection, no judgment…
would you still choose the same loyalty?
No I will not choose this same loyalty. I just want to be free from them. And free to be a better version of me without their shadow.
6. Final question (sit with this one)
If you continue this loyalty for the next 10 years…
what part of you will disappear?
My identity as abandoned, misery, will disappear. Perhaps it did not disappear as I was successful before and successful few round and season (I got scholarship to study, new house and new car, my daughter doing well academically and in sport) , and self sabotage creep out some where along the line. I don't know this answer.
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