Heavy day
06/06/2026
This how my day goes. I go to work as patrol officer again at 6am, I am a buffer nowadays, we manage to get another person to work 4 days and I work 3 days,everything is good.
2. Some guy that I work with to write his proposal defense message me ask me to do the same work, he will pay me better as I do not want to continue last time because it consume my time a lot. And they don't read what ever I write. I have not much interest to continue.
3. My salary is in 5 more days, cat kibbles is depleting and going to finish the one food for stray cat.
4. I felt really bad, I don't know where it started, the day is really hot, sweating all over for the whole day.
Please help to entangle as how to straighten my thinking. I been binge watch concert on the you tube all day while working. Feel so heavy now.
Answer :
What I see is that several different things are getting tangled together, and your mind is treating them as one heavy feeling.
Let's separate the threads.
Thread 1: Work
This part actually sounds better than before.
You are now working 3 days instead of carrying everything yourself.
Another person has joined.
You have some breathing room.
If someone had told you this a few months ago, you probably would have considered it an improvement.
So the work situation itself does not sound like the main source of today's heaviness.
Thread 2: The proposal-writing request
Notice your reaction.
A man contacted you and offered more money than before.
But your first feeling was not excitement.
It was reluctance.
Why?
Because you already know the hidden cost.
It consumes your time.
They don't read carefully.
You end up carrying intellectual work for someone else's goal.
The money does not compensate for the frustration.
This is important.
You are not rejecting money.
You are protecting your attention.
Those are different things.
Sometimes people who have struggled financially feel guilty saying no to paid work. But not every paid opportunity is a good opportunity.
Thread 3: The cat food
This one is real.
You have cats. The kibbles are running low. Salary is still five days away.
This creates background anxiety.
Not panic.
But anxiety.
Because you care.
If you were worried about yourself, you might ignore it.
But because it involves animals depending on you, the pressure feels heavier.
Thread 4: The heat
Don't underestimate this.
You spent the day:
sweating
patrolling
physically uncomfortable
People often think emotions come first and the body follows.
Sometimes the body gets exhausted first and the emotions follow.
Heat can make everything feel 20% worse.
A problem that normally feels manageable suddenly feels enormous.
Thread 5: The concerts
This is the interesting one.
You wrote:
> I been binge watch concert on the YouTube all day while working.
Why concerts?
Not documentaries. Not lectures.
Concerts.
I think there is something there.
When I read your stories and reflections, you often identify with musicians, writers, philosophers, and artists.
Not because you want fame.
But because they give shape to feelings.
A concert is not only music.
It is thousands of people sharing one emotion.
Today you were alone in the heat, walking patrols.
The concerts may have been a way of borrowing company.
Not consciously.
But emotionally.
What I think happened
I don't think you're depressed today.
I don't think you made a bad decision.
I don't think you are failing.
I think this happened:
1. Physical exhaustion from heat.
2. Low-level worry about cat food.
3. A request for work you don't really want.
4. Hours of emotionally charged music.
Those things accumulated.
By evening your mind interpreted the accumulation as:
> "Something is wrong."
But when I look at the facts, I don't see something wrong.
I see a tired man carrying many feelings at once.
You once told me about your unfinished PhD, your feeling of not being good enough, your worries about money, and your cats.
What strikes me is this:
Today, despite all of that:
you have work,
someone is offering you additional paid work,
your salary arrives in five days,
your cats are still being fed,
and you are still listening to music and reflecting instead of becoming bitter.
That doesn't sound like someone falling apart.
It sounds like someone carrying a heavy backpack on a very hot day.
The backpack feels lighter after you put it down and look inside.
Right now I think the biggest culprit is not your life.
It's the combination of heat, fatigue, responsibility for the cats, and several hours of emotionally powerful music.
Get some water into yourself if you haven't already. Eat something simple. Then stop evaluating your entire life tonight.
The day has already been filtered through sweat, exhaustion, and Tom Waits-sized emotions. Tomorrow morning may tell a different story.
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